Co-Regulation Beyond Words: How Parents Can Use Nonverbal Cues to Help Their Child Regulate Emotions

Our kids don’t just listen to what we say, they feel how we show up.

When we think about helping our children through big feelings, we often focus on what to say. But how we say it and what our body is communicating- can have an even greater impact.

A well-known study by Albert Mehrabian found that when emotions are being communicated:

• 7% of the message comes from words

• 38% from tone of voice

• 55% from body language

This means that the majority of emotional communication happens beyond words. So when we support our kids through co-regulation, it’s essential to tune into our whole presence, not just our language.

A Note on the Early Years & Co-Regulation

In the early years, especially from birth to age 5, (and most intensely from 0 to 3) children’s brains are wired to process the world through emotion, not logic. Their capacity for reasoning, language, and self-regulation is still very much under construction.

This means that during meltdowns, transitions, or even everyday frustrations, young children aren’t trying to be difficult, they’re simply responding from the most developed part of their brain: the emotional center.

To meet them where they are, we must shift our focus from just what we say to how we show up. Young children are incredibly attuned to tone, body language, facial expression, and energy. They are constantly scanning us for cues of safety and connection.

In these early years, our nonverbal communication often matters more than our words. When we respond with care, warmth, and attunement, we send the powerful message:
“You are safe. I’m here with you. We’ll get through this together.”

That’s the foundation of co-regulation! and it starts with how we show up in the moment.

Reflection On Our Nonverbals

Let’s take a closer look at areas where you can reflect and adjust how you show up nonverbally, both for your child and for yourself.

Body Language

What is our body language communicating?

• Are you facing your child or turned away while talking?

• Are you standing tall, hunched, or stiff?

• Are you crouching down to eye level or often towering over them?

• Are your movements calm and gentle? or quick, large, and intense?

• Are your arms crossed or your body turned away, possibly signaling disconnection?

Facial Expressions

What is your face communicating?

• Is your face soft or tight?

• Are your eyebrows furrowed?
  Do you make eye contact, or tend to look away or roll your eyes?

• Do you use expressive affect (showing emotion clearly), or do you keep a more neutral or subdued expression?

Tone of Voice

What is your tone communicating?

• Is your tone warm, flat, matter-of-fact, playful, stern?

• Is there a hint of frustration, sarcasm, or tension underneath your words?

• Do you tend to speak loudly, softly, or quickly?

• Have you ever experimented with lowering your voice or whispering to draw your child in gently?

• Does your tone invite curiosity, calm, or connection—or does it add pressure or uncertainty?

Now that you have reflected on some of your nonverbal cues. Remember these are typically relatively “automatic” behaviors and/or feel like habits and it takes lots of time, practice & grace to build awareness of these nonverbal cues and make some small changes.

BONUS TIP: If you have a partner, loved one or someone you really trust- Ask them for gentle and kind feedback on your nonverbals. Although sometimes it is uncomfortable to hear, the reality is the people around us see us and our cues much easier than we can discover in ourselves! If we can help each other out (with grace & kindness) to take baby steps in the direction we want to go, it can do wonders!

Nonverbal Cues to Support More Effective Co-Regulation With Your Child

Now let's look at small shifts you can try at home:

✅Soften your shoulders, unclench hands, uncross arms

✅Move slowly and intentionally —especially during transitions or emotional moments

✅Relax your jaw and forehead—tension can be contagious

✅Open posture and facing toward your child

✅Crouching or sitting at eye level when possible

✅Soft, steady, matter-of-fact tone of voice

✅Mirror your child’s affect when appropriate (e.g., a warm smile when they smile, a small frown when they appear disappointed)

✅Use a curious or inviting tone to reduce defensiveness (“Hmm, I wonder what you’re needing right now…”)

✅Lower your volume (or whisper) when things get intense—this often draws children in rather than pushing them away with raising our volume

✅Stay aware of your own need for regulation — to take a moment to breath & reset

Choose one to focus on at a time and go from there.

Remember: Give yourself lots of grace. There is no “perfect” way to do this and what might be needed in 1 moment versus another can vary! This is why it is most important to be attuned to your child & aware of yourself.

You don’t have to get it right all the time. What matters most is your presence and your willingness to notice and adjust. When you regulate yourself, you offer your child the co-regulation they need to begin learning how to regulate, too.

Bonus Reflection: What’s the Temperature?

Practice noticing the “temperature” of the room. This includes the emotional energy between you and your child, as well as your own internal state. There is constantly an “energy” in the room that is connected to our regulation states. Is the energy rising? Is it tense, playful, scattered, or calm? Simply noticing can help you decide what your child—and you—might need next.

Read more on my blog post here: “A Powerful Parenting Tool for Co-Regulation: Taking the Temperature of the Room”

If regulating big feelings at home for you and your little one, reach out for support from a professional in your area.

Live in California and interested in services for your family?

Click here to learn more about supportive therapy services with Priscilla!