Separation Anxiety with My Young Child

The clinging, the crying, the "noooooo", the internal dialogue of "what do i do?" "i hate leaving them like this" and mom guilt that wraps it all together.

Let me start by saying, you are likely doing better than you think when it comes to supporting your child through their separation anxiety. I hope this blog helps illuminate both why this happens and a few new ideas to try to support your child through it.

Separation Anxiety Through the Stages

Separation anxiety in the early years is developmentally appropriate and expected! So just because your little one is struggling, does not mean they "have anxiety". They are just working through their developmental stage of building a sense of safety away from you instead of always being right next to you.

Let's break down what it might look like during the different stages of the early years!

8-12 months: Typically the first peak of separation anxiety because your infant is developing a skill called object permanence aka they realize things can exist when they are no longer visible to them.

Toddlerhood: Separation anxiety continues through toddlerhood often expressed through "no", using their new sense of autonomy mixed with their limited (but always growing) ability to regulate their emotions. With their emotions and needs shifting quickly they often want independence one moment and the next closeness with their safe caregiver.

Preschoolers: This is where their brain develops new cognitive skills and their imagination blooms around age 3. With that comes their ability to worry and have "new fears" as well as understand more than they did before. They often may show increased difficulty separating when things are new, different or out of routine.

Kindergarteners: For some kids this age, their big expressions of separation anxiety like protesting, crying and clinging to your leg will have subsided but typically inside they still feel worry or dislike of leaving parents. They have just built the confidence & understanding plus some regulation skills to manage it well enough. For other kids, this will still be really tough for them because they are navigating new environments, greater expectations for independence & demands in the classroom, and longer days away from you. They may even hold it together at school and then fall apart at home, or they might show their worries in more subtle ways like stomachaches, withdrawal, or asking a lot of reassurance questions or having many demands for drop off and pick up.

Why Separation Anxiety Happens

So now we know what it looks like, but why does this even happen anyways?

Since the moment your child was born, they are wired to seek safety and security in YOU (their primary caregiver). Every time you soothe their cry, feed them and make them giggle you are supporting their healthy, secure attachment to you and becoming their "secure base" & "safe haven". This bond is what tells their brain, “I’m okay because my person keeps me safe.”

As they continue to get older and their world expands! They have new awareness which brings new experiences, fears and challenges to face. Their biology is designed to help them stay close to their safe base- seeking support, encouragement, and co-regulation when things feel unfamiliar or overwhelming.

The other factor is they are developing through different stages rapidly in the first 5 years. All those skills we know and love are very much still under construction. Like their ability to regulate big feelings, have impulse control, understand "the why", etc. Their world and experiences are often growing faster than their ability to handle it all (that's where they lean on you!)

Over time, as they deepen their secure attachment with you, practice co-regulation, and build stronger skills for managing emotions and transitions, things naturally begin to even out. Separation becomes easier because they trust their secure base and their own growing abilities to handle it.

*I love this video from Circle of Security to learn more about what being a "secure base" & "safe haven" looks like as a parent -> click HERE to watch.

The Parent Side

I can't talk about separation anxiety without also acknowledging that for many parents this is often very anxiety inducing, stressful, overwhelming (and fill in the blank all your other emotions). Not only are you supporting your child through their emotions while saying goodbye, you also are saying goodbye and doing your very best to manage your emotions too! This is no simple task, especially when your child is pulling at your heart strings and everything in you doesn't want to leave your child in distress. I get it. Nothing about this is "easy".

So here are my reminders to you as a parent:

• Take time to reflect on your emotions and what thoughts pop up for you during goodbyes- this give you a chance to process yourself outside of these big emotion-filled moments.

• Recognize what needs you have in the moment- do you need to give yourself extra time for drop offs to feel less stressed and rushed? do you need to call on a support person to help out so you're not doing it alone? do you need to hype yourself up with some loving, confidence building affirmations before hand?

• Have lots of grace for yourself in the process- you might be doing "everything right" (as if there is such thing!) and it might still feel difficult. You are not alone in that feeling and you will get through it all.

• It is normal to feel like you don't always want to say bye to your kid and it's okay to call that out. On the flip side, it's also okay to want to say bye to your kid for a break to take care of yourself.

Tips for Supporting Separation Anxiety with Your Child

Now let's talk about things you can do to support working through these difficult goodbyes.

• Keep goodbyes short & sweet - Tt can be easy to get pulled into a long drawn out, back and forth, goodbye. It is actually most helpful to them to keep it short and consistent.

• Create goodbye & hello rituals - Young kids thrive on predictability and consistency, especially during the hard moments. So yes that means, doing your best to have all drop offs and hellos more or less the same. This oftentimes means coming up with similar phrases you use, always giving a hug and a high five, etc. This helps them reduce anxiety of the unknown because they have a "roadmap" of what will happen (including that "mommy always comes back").

• No sneaking out- I know it's tempting... especially because you don't want to see your child upset. But sneaking out usually intensifies separation anxiety over time, even though the intention is to keep things easier in the moment. When we disappear without saying goodbye, kids may feel confused or even unsafe the next time a separation comes up. Their little brains think, “If I look away for one second… will you be gone again?” This can increase clinginess in general & make drop-offs harder, not easier. That's why rituals and routines can be so helpful with practice!

• Practice short separations first- This helps build confidence and safety with repetition.

• PLAYFULLY practice- You can make a fun game out of it! Think "peek-a-boo" but practicing going into different rooms, inside/outside the home, dance parties for the length of a song and then coming back. More ideas for playful activities to try below.

• Acknowledge it's hard- It is understandable they are sad to say bye to their favorite person and we want to validate that (without over talking about it). If we only say "you're fine" with the intention that we know they will be fine, it is a mismatch of how they are feeling inside and can make the goodbye even harder. Try saying something like, "It’s okay to feel sad when we say goodbye. You’re safe and I’ll see you soon."

• Use simple, confident language - Your confidence in your tone of voice, body language, etc often paves the way for their confidence too! (Little kids are also normally pretty good at sensing it).

What Books Can I Read With My Child Struggling with Separation Anxiety?

There are so many wonderful books out there and you can even take books for older kids and simplify the language to work for kids 5 & under.

Here are 2 categories of books I often use with little ones: Books about separating/saying goodbye/school drop off & books that build connection, safety & confidence. Both are equally important in supporting your child through separations.

• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

• The Invisible String by Patricia Karst

• Bye Bye Time by Elizabeth Verdick

• Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney

• Be Brave Little One by Marianne Richmond

• Harper Handles Big Feelings: Lessons for Littles on Anger, Worry, Frustration, and Other Emotions by Jayme Yannuzzi

• I Love You Little One by Dorothea DePrisco Wang

• I Love You Through and Through by Bernadette Rossetti-Shustak

Activities to Try with your Child

I love pairing a book with a tangible activities with kiddos!

The Kissing Hand Book Activity- Get heart stickers and practice giving each other heart stickers & kisses as a goodbye ritual. Then practice bringing the heart up to your cheek or to hug when you feel sad and miss each other and take 1 big breath. This helps them practice this skill together that one day they could do on their own when they are missing you. I highly encourage then giving them a heart sticker and having them give you one as part of your goodbye ritual together.

The Invisible String Book Activity- Get a piece of string/yarn/etc. and put pictures or draw pictures of all the people they love and that love them that are part of their "invisible string". Talk about how we are all connected even when we are apart. Then you can get a longgg piece of string and practice it in different rooms while "staying connected" with the string. Make it playful and lighthearted! Add cut out hearts, whatever they would like!

Llama Llama Misses Mama Book Activity- Collect comfort items together from around the house. Sometimes I frame it as, what times makes us "feel good" or "feel better" (because sometimes young kids don't quite get "what makes us feel calm" yet). You might collect a favorite stuffy/doll, a blankie, a fidget or soothing toy, a picture of the family or parents, a paci (depending on their age), etc.

Bye Bye Time Book Activity- Playfully practice and "act out" the sequence in the book together

Additional Activities:

Pretend Play to Practice- Use items you have in your home and "act out" through play your drop off routine, saying goodbye at nana's house, etc. Gather dolls, stuffies, animals and choose 1 to be "mama" or "dada" and choose 1 to be them. If you have a doll house, pretend car, etc you also use those to make the play come to life, otherwise just keep it simple!

Role Switching Play- Let your child be the parent dropping YOU off at pretend school or nana's house, etc. Depending on their age they love getting to "act as the parent" and have a sense of control (even in play!)

Play I Spy/Hide n Seek- I like to do a combo of "I spy mama" or "I spy dada" mixed with slowly distancing to other rooms and trying to "find" each other kind of like hide n seek. This can be a fun game where they don't even realize they are practicing the skill or separating and coming back together with you.

Transitional Object Creations- I highly encourage making something together that they can always have with them when they transition away from you. Oftentimes people make bracelets together but it can be anything- a keychain, a rock, a paper card, etc.

Photo Book Peek-a-Boo- This is especially great for our toddlers. Make a photo book with pictures of family members and cover it with a flap or a sticky note where you can move it back and forth. Then you can use it to play "peek-a-boo" saying "bye bye ___" "hello ____".

Come Back Clap Countdown- Another way to practice short playful separations by being in separate rooms and have your child count or clap a certain number of times and then you return to the room or area they are in. "I'm going to walk to the kitchen and when you clap 5 times I will come right back". With practice you can lengthen how many times you clap and this strengthens their sense that "mommy always comes back".

When to Seek Support for Separation Anxiety

Even though it is developmentally appropriate, some situations are extra tough which means you and/or your child could benefit from some extra loving guidance or support.

Due to your child's temperament, personality, previous experiences or many other factors may contribute to your child just simply having an even harder time with separation anxiety than other kiddos.

Here are a few signs I might look for:

• It's ongoing, intense and interfering with daily life and routines constantly.

• Your child has panic-level distress every time, can't recover after you leave.

• Has big changes in appetite, sleep, behaviors etc once separating as part of their routine.

• It is significantly impacting your well-being as a parent or feels unmanageable to handle.

Remember, reaching out doesn't mean you've failed or you're doing anything wrong. Some seasons of early childhood development are just difficult and there are professionals ready and willing to walk through this time with you to bring ease, hope and transformation.

If working through goodbyes and separation anxiety for you and your little one is feeling unmanageable, reach out for support from a professional in your area.

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